Revising for Use of Language and Conventions

Allison and I are working on a revision session. We developed strategies and follow up lessons for each of the four pieces of the STAAR rubric. This post shares an idea for both Use of Language and Conventions.

Lessons resources developed as Harry Noden Described in Image Grammar page 72-74

Part One: Students read an excerpt and try to recreate the original only using notes.

1. Day One: Students read an excerpt from  a text such as July 20, 2019 by Arthur C. Clark

Arthur woke Palmerston at 5:00 A.M. each day by warming his bedroom until he couldn’t sleep any longer. Palmerston’s body became so accustomed to the ritual, he first opened his eyes within three minutes after the mercury hit 79 degrees F. Encephalosensors in Palmerston’s pillows told Arthur precisely when the first visual images reached Palmerston’s brain. Seconds later, the house made Palmerston’s coffee, blending caffeinated and decaffeinated in accordance with Palmerston’s mood. When Palmerston was happy, he got mostly decaf. To determine his mood, Authour monitored how long he stayed in the shower, how hot he wanted the water. And whether he sang or whistled… (Clarke 1986, 179-180)

2.  Day Two: Provide students with the following notes. Then students reconstruct the passage.

• Arthur woke Palmerston at 5:00 A.M.
• Warmed his room to arouse him
• Palmerston always followed a pattern
• Opened eyes within three minutes of 79 degrees F
• “Encephalosensors”  in pillow sense Palmerston’s first visual images
• Made Palmerston’s coffee, blending to match Palmerston’s mood
• Happy: decaf
• Arthur determined mood by length of shower, how hot Palmerston wanted his water, singing versus whistling in shower

3. Day Three: Students compare the original to the rewrite.

• What makes the original more/less effective?
• What sentence structures, arrangements, and subtle devices did Clarke use that were overlooked or unused in the imitation? (Questions adapted from Noden, p. 73)

4. Day Four: Students imitate the structure in their own writing and analyze the effect.  They make the decision to keep or discard the revision in the final product.

Extension: Find two news stories (print or digital)  about the same topic, but from different perspectives and compare.

Part Two: Students are given a list of unconnected sentences and tasked to make a smooth flowing passage.

Day One: Here are some truncated sentences from Jurassic Park. I usually show this clip first,  starting at 1:10 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5Co3A3fLBo .

• It moved toward the rear.
• It banged the passenger door shut.
• It moved toward Grant.
• He stood there.
• Grant was dizzy with fear.
• His heart pounded inside his chest.
• He could smell the rotted flesh in the mouth.
• The animal was close.
• The flesh smelled like sweetish blood-smell.
• The smell was the sickening stench of the carnivore.

2. Day Two: Students share their revisions with each other and then compare to Crichton’s original text:

“Then moving toward the rear, it banged the passenger door shut and moved right toward Grant as he stood there. Grant was dizzy with fear, his heart pounding inside his chest. With the animal so close, he could smell the rotten flesh in the mouth, the sweetish blood-smell, the sickening stench of the carnivore” (1990, p. 189).

Discussion can focus on the following questions:

• What makes one version more or less effective than another?
• Are two choices equally valid for different impressions?
• What rhetorical effects are present in the various combinations?  (Questions adapted from Noden, p. 74)

3. Day Three: Students enter their own writing to find a dramatic moment. Students then imitate the sentence structure, but keep their content. Conclude by examining the impact and whether or not to keep the revision or the original.