Teaching from Zeros (A): When the thesis doesn't match the evidence

Kernels: Organizational Structure

Use colors to code the organizational structure and components. 

Mr. Mifflin inspired Miss McGill to go aginst the expectstions of womanhood. The first thing that got her was him convincing her to buy the van, he said things like "might comfortably inside" and "cozy looking bunk". The van made McGill consider takinga trip and so she did. 

Introduction: Answer: Mr. Mifflin inspired Miss McGill to go aginst the expectstions of womanhood. 

Body: Example: The first thing that go her was him convincing her to buy the van, (runon sentence)

Body: Text evidence: he said things like "mighty comfortably inside" and "cody looking bunk". (second half of runon sentence)

Body: Explanation: The van made McGill consider taking a trip and so she did. (runon sentence)

Conclusion: Missing

Evaluating Accuracy: Thesis: 

Is the answer correct? 

"going aginst the expectstions of womanhood" is a correct interpretation. 

Evaluating Accuracy: Evidence: 

"comfortably inside" and "cozy looking bunk." are both pieces of evidence that are significant to Miss McGill's revelations. But they are not about the same topic the writer has chosen for the thesis. The evidence is about comfort and not about going against what women are supposed to do. The generalization about the text evidence (comfort) must match the thesis (going against) - which this one doesn't. 

Evaluating Accuracy: Explanation: 

Does the explanation match the thesis, the generalization using the  evidence, the people, and the focus of the topics in the prompt? You have to evaluate the sentence for each component.

The writer says "the van" made McGill think differently. The prompt tells us that we are supposed to think about the interactions with the seller, Mr. Mifflin. The van made Mc Gill consider taking a trip and so she did. We are supposed to be talking about the impact of talking to the seller, not the impact of the qualities of the van. 

The writer says the significance of the revelation is to take a trip but is not related to how this goes against the expectations of women as stated in the thesis: The van made Mc Gill consider taking a trip and so she did. 

There is nothing in the sentence that talks about how comfort mentioned in the text evidence is related to the thesis of going against expectations. 

There is nothing in the sentence that mentions interactions with Mifflin. 

Improving the content during revision: 

Take the original text and add breaks for organizational structure and where pieces are missing or don't match. 

Mr. Mifflin inspired Miss McGill to go aginst the expectstions of womanhood. 

The first thing that got her was him convincing her to buy the van, he said things like "might comfortably inside" and "cozy looking bunk". 

The van made McGill consider taking a trip and so she did. 

Delete the stuff that is wrong. 

Mr. Mifflin inspired Miss McGill to go aginst the expectstions of womanhood. 

The first thing that got her was him convincing her to buy the van, he said things like "might comfortably inside" and "cozy looking bunk". 

The van made McGill consider taking a trip and so she did. 

Add and Replace: Make the match

The text doesn't match the thesis. But what does the text reveal about the situation that we could add? "Might comfortably" and "cozy looking bunk" are statements the seller made to make the van look attractive and comfortable. He's being a salesman. We can first add that generalization to the introduction and thesis. Then we can write a topic sentence. We can add Mr. Mifflin's name and synonyms about comfort. 

Mr. Mifflin inspired Miss McGill to think of how comfortable the van would be and to go aginst the expectstions of womanhood. 

The first thing that Mr. Mifflin said was him convincing her to buy the van because it was comforatble. He said things like "might comfortably inside" and "cozy looking bunk". 

Mr Mifflin's positive comments made McGill consider taking a relaxing trip and so she did. 

Add and Replace: Add the missing

We have a reason now in the thesis that can have its own paragraph. 

Add a new topic sentence. Since we talked about this idea second, it will be the second paragraph. It's really a strong idea, so it's also good to end with a bang. The writer can flesh out the ideas for the first and second paragraphs with more text evidence and conclude with a statement that summarizes both points. 

Mr. Mifflin inspired Miss McGill to think of how comfortable the van would be and to go aginst the expectstions of womanhood. 

The first thing that Mr. Mifflin said was him convincing her to buy the van because it was comfortable. He said things like "might comfortably inside" and "cozy looking bunk". He was pointing out the positive elements of living in a small space like a van to make her believe it would be a pleasant experience. The writer shares additional details about the space that add to it's appeal as well. The author points out the "extra room for the bookshelves" that Miss McGill states later she will enjoy reading. As a matter of fact, the author points out that "Every possible inch of space seemed to be made useful in some way, for a shelf or a hook or a hanging cupboard or something. Above the stove was a neat little row of pots and dishes and cooking usefuls." This would appeal to a woman who was used to doing all the things for herself and others. 

Mr Mifflin also encouraged Miss McGill to go against the expectations of womanhood. He says, "If you’re so afraid of your brother taking a fancy to her, why don’t you buy her yourself and go off on a lark? Make him stay home and mind the farm! . . . Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll start you on the road myself, come with you the first day and show you how it’s worked. You could have the time of your life in this thing, and give yourself a fine vacation. It would give your brother a good surprise, too. Why not?" She then realizes that she'd "been living on that farm for nearly fifteen years—yes, sir, ever since [she] was twenty-five—and hardly ever been away except for that trip to Boston once a year to go shopping with cousin Edie." This means that buying van gives her an opportunity to do what she'd never had the chance to do because she was a woman. She writes her brother a letter explaining that the "revolt of womanhood" was coming to Andrew's door because she wouldn't be there to bake his bread or do his laundry. 

Mr Mifflin's positive comments made McGill consider taking a relaxing trip and so she did. She realized that taking this trip would be her own form of revolt against womanhood and "better than going to college." 

Source: 

https://tea.texas.gov/student-assessment/testing/staar/2024-staar-english-i-scoring-guide.pdf

And thanks to Gretchen Bernabei for Kernels. 

Annotated DOC: 

https://kami.app/VCx-fdw-QkC-aX4