Sources for Teaching Revision: Student Writing and Teacher Modeling (You Can't Buy/Print That)

The Request: 

She:  Do you have ideas or a resource for revising? I've been recommending Grammar Keepers for editing but I'm not not sure how to help with revision. This is in elementary. And they have Patterns of Power. 

Me: The sentence sections in Keepers are also effective for revision. But: the best source of revision is their own papers and ratiocination. There isn't anything out there you can buy. I mean - you can find practice stuff...but there's nothing really out there that tells you how to teach it. 

So we talked back and forth for a while. We landed on a purpose, prompts, and source texts. And I found a lot of problems. And I swear, if someone tells me the answers are about diagramming sentences and knowing parts of speech, I'm gonna puke. Try diagramming some of the messes or naming the function and parts of speech that are posed as answer choices. Those old ways ain't gonna work or be a productive use of time. We have to go waaaay beyond naming grammar crap and  1)into how the grammar crap is used to convey meaning 2)and to name what causes the meaning to be obscure because of sentence construction 3)and the function of how words/parts of speech are used in the semantics, syntax, and overarching author's purpose and craft. 

The Texts: 

Students are reading articles from HMH: Coral Reefs by Erin Spencer, Mariana Trench by Michael and Mary Woods, and 7 Natural Wonders by Raymond Coutu. 

The Prompts: 

I used a Chart of STAAR Prompts Grades 3-10 by Rene Jackson on Trail of Breadcrumbs to help craft prompts. It was important to generate prompts that used the right genres, correspondence, purposes, and the source texts meaningfully. Originally, students were going to write to experts of the texts to ask questions...but that wouldn't really have been a match to the TEKS. Great idea...worthy of doing. But not really preparation for what they will have to do on STAAR. 

I also used CHAT GPT to make some prompts. It was important to write two kinds of prompts - one from the comprehension strand and one for author's purpose. 

Comprehension: Write a letter to a friend explaining the importance of coral reefs. Describe what coral reefs are, their role in marine ecosystems, and the various species that live there. Share any interesting facts you learned from "Coral Reefs" by Erin Spencer, and explain why protecting coral reefs is crucial for the environment. (Chat GPT)

Author's Purpose: Examine the key characteristics of how the writers organized the information in x text. In a letter to your teacher, explain how the writers used these characteristics to effectively communicate their main points and make the text interesting to children. (me) 

The Problems during the Process: 

The process: I began by collecting samples from the STAAR 2024 release. I wrote down the sentences and analyzed what was wrong with them. I'm writing out what the problems are in case others aren't as big of a grammar geek as me. Then I'm going back to add in the solutions. 

So...as I am writing these lessons...I'm on answer choice b right now for the first item in the release test...I realize that NONE of this stuff is in our TEKS. None of it. And it's going to take a lot of time. But the work is really about comprehension...deep sentence comprehension and the impact we have on the reader if we are to communicate meaning. And it's about why we struggle with texts when they aren't written well.

I'm realizing that we don't often know why a sentence is all these good things - clear, correct, coherent, effective. Really, those things are about NOT having the things that are unclear, incorrect, incoherent, ineffective...and there's so many ways to be wrong. But are we naming those things for kids? I think we are in editing because that's easy - capitalization, spelling, usage, punctuation...But are we naming those things for kids in revision? It gets messy because what we are presented with in the samples have MANY problems. 

I'm going to go ahead and send this part because I want you to have a beginning. I still have 8 more lessons to create from the samples I derived from the released exam. Geeze. It's overwhelming. I feel like this kind of work needs some serious modeling. I've tried to write it out to plan...but what would happen in class after the modeling is up for grabs because you have to take what kids are telling you? 

I can't create responses in a meaningful way because I don't know what they have written or what they would say or how they would struggle. I don't know what they would suggest or notice that I have not found by myself. And they always notice stuff and add to the conversation in ways I can't predict. That's why this work is so messy. That's why there is no script or curriculum. There isn't anything out there that can replace the negotiated construction of meaning with learners in the writing process itself. But...how do we teach people to do this kind of work? And what I've created here might miss some important considerations...or be too complicated... 

What I Sent Her

Below - I describe three lessons derived from two answer choices from one question on the STAAR test. These lessons represent MULTIPLE concepts for instruction in the revising process and are very complex for 4th grade. Heck. The sentence revisions are complex for me. 

    Lesson One: When sentences get it right

2023 4th Grade Release Samples from the Revising Section

Target Sentence: Night after night, he just kept coming back. 

This sentence is correct, coherent, clear, and effective. Why? What do you notice? Use processes created by Jeff Anderson. 

   Lesson Two: Problems with order, pronouns, be verbs, and repetition

It was night after night, and he just kept coming back again. 

Grammar/Meaning Background and Context

Problem One: Any time you say "It was..." you're beginning a problem with the reader about clarity. What is "it"? We don't know. And, was is a really passive verb - now we know only that something, /it/, /was/exists. This story - the source text - is about a stray cat who shows up and ends up being a pet. Usually, we'd be talking about the pet as the /it/...but that's not what is happening here in the messy answer choice we are given to evaluate. 

Problem Two: the focus in the source text is that the cat keeps coming back. The sentence "it was night after night" and the conjunction and dictate that both that sentence/clause and the next one are of equal importance. But that's not true - the importance is on the second clause - that he just kept coming back again. The clause /it was night after night/ is to emphasize how often the cat returned. It's an adverbial in nature and not needed to be a complete sentence that would cause confusion. The important parts of the phrase are /night after night/ while the /it was/ segments add nothing of value and are best deleted for clarity. 

Solution: After kids and teachers have a sample essay, it's time for revision. This happens before anything is edited, by the way. We are only working with changes to meaning. 

Step One: Take a highlighter and mark any places where you see that you have used a pronoun and a be verb. 

Give them a chart of pronouns and be verbs. 

Prerequisite lessons might be: 

a. Verbs and Pronouns from here:  https://resources.corwin.com/bernabeigrammar/student-resources/chapter-7

b. This part of the Grammar Keepers 101 Chart: https://trailofbreadcrumbs.net/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Primary-Grammar-Keepers-Chart-by-Adriana-Arce.pdf

c. This chart for the writer's notebook. 

Step Two: The teacher shows her writing and makes this statement: "When the reader comes to sentences with "it was," they may have difficulty understanding what /it/ is talking about because the word could mean anything that has been talked about earlier in the text. The reader can have just about anything in their mind - and they could be wrong. When paired with /was/ or other be verbs, the reader only knows and understands that the pronoun and the be verb mean that something (pronoun)  exists (be verb). The writer must be careful that their words express their purpose and meaning. It's ok to use /it was/ if the writer means that something exists. But if the writer means something (subject/actor) specific acts in a certain way...then a common or proper noun must be used instead of a pronoun and an action verb is needed instead of a be verb." 

Step Three: The teacher models in their own writing. "Let me show you how." 

Here's my paper: 

Some may think that places like The Great Pyramids or the Taj Mahal are impressive wonders of the world, but the natural wonders are even more impressive. They are made by "forces of nature, such as blowing wind, shifting glaciers, and flowing water" (p.2).

I can do several things to repair possible confusion. 

1) I can make a new subject using the quote: "Forces of nature, such as blowing wind, shifting glaciers, and flowing water" (p.2) create naturally occuring wonders that man had no part in creating. 

2) I can use specific verbs to replace the be verbs. Notice that I also used a new verb instead of /are/. I used /create/. I had to use the thesaurus to find a new word phrase for /natural/ that fit with what I am trying to explain in the introduction. 

3) I can use proper or common nouns to replace the pronoun: Natural wonders are made by "forces of nature, such as blowing wind, shifting glaciers, and flowing water" (p.2). 

The teacher makes an anchor chart of solutions for reducing reader confusion: 

*Use common and proper nouns to replace pronouns in the subject position in sentences. 

*Use action verbs when possible

*Reverse the sentence order to get the main points up front for the reader.

Ask the kids which sentence seems the most vivid and effective in helping the reader understand the meaning. Which one do they like the best? The teacher will then explain which one of the revisions they will keep and use for the paper. 

Step Four: Interactive writing with the whole group: Who has a sentence that they would like us to help revise for clarity? Select a student's paper and project. With the class, read the sentence before, the sentence, and the sentence after to get the gist. Use the anchor chart of solutions to help create several revision options. As a class, select the most effective revision. If there is a new solution, name the solution and add it to the anchor chart. 

Step Five: Small group collaboration: In small groups of two or three, students craft revision options and select the most clear and effective option. They are using their own papers. 

Step Six: Small Group Debrief: Students visit other small groups to see the original and final revised sentences. 

Step Seven: Large Group Debrief: What did you learn in your groups about writing with clarity? What was the most common revision technique? Did you see anything new that we need to add to our chart? 

    Lesson Three: Awkward order, subject placement, concepts, pronouns, be verbs, and general sentence messes 

Sample Sentence from answer choices on 2023 4th grade release: Night after night, coming back is what he just kept doing. 

This one is a mess. 

Grammar/Meaning Background and Context

Problem One: Inaccurate subjects. Coming back serves as the subject of the sentence which makes it confusing. Are we talking about /coming back/ as a concept? No. The cat is coming back. 

Problem Two: Awkward construction with word order. We have a verbal as a subject/concept followed by a passive be verb and then added to a clause that is supposed to give another name (predicate nominative) to the subject /coming back/. What's awkward is that /what he just kept doing/ is also vague because /what/ is the connector. I mean...what does /what/ mean in that instance? Not much. 
Problem Three: Awkward Order and repetition: In prose, we use subjects and then verbs. He just kept coming back. In poetry, we might say, coming back...he just kept coming back. The repetition serves a purpose and adds tension. But just kept doing is...well, weird. Doing what? 

Solution: Enter your writing. Check to make sure you are using conventions of prose writing for verb order. A lot of this is fixed by looking for be verbs and how they are presented. We'd follow the same steps as above. Sometimes we have to engineer this crap because nobody really writes like that. (But after practicing...I realize that I did. Weird. See the draft below.) 

Dear Jason, 

Remember when we went to Moab, Utah? I just read about similar landforms in Raymond Coutu's book, 7 Natural Wonders. Some may think that places like The Great Pyramids or the Taj Mahal are impressive wonders of the world, but the natural wonders are even more impressive. "Forces of nature, such as blowing wind, shifting glaciers, and flowing water" (p.2) create naturally occurring wonders that man had no part in creating. Some of what I read in the book made me rethink what we saw on our trip. 

Modeling: The big idea here is that I'm rethinking our trip. But I have other stuff before the big idea. I can reverse the sentence order, or I can make a phrase to introduce the topic. I can even use a complex sentence to show the relationship between the ideas. Add these options to the anchor chart. 

Option One: Coutu's book made me rethink what we saw on our trip. or I'm rethinking our trip after reading Coutu's book. 

Option Two: After reading Coutu's book, I'm rethinking what we saw on our trip.

Option Three: Because I read about The Grand Canyon in Coutu's book, I'm rethinking what we saw on our trip. 

Invitation to notice order: Look over your sentences and the order of your writing. Is your main point the main clause? Can you reverse the order of the clauses? Can you use an introductory phrase? Can you create a complex sentence to show the reader how your ideas are connected? 

Invite students to interactive writing...small group collaboration and debrief...then whole class debrief. 

The Ending

Basically - I was overwhelmed and too angry to keep writing. And my fingers are cold because I need to get up and turn on the heater in the sunroom. The squirrels are jumping on the roof and continue to bury their nuts alongside the bluejays just outside the window as if I'm not here gutting it out over grammar and how to help our kids and teachers. Journey, ZZ Top Screamers, and old 80's songs are playing on the Alexa behind the empty crock pot. And the water fountain for Youglie is gurgling in the background peacefully. (Youglie refused to get up this morning and demanded the heating blanket to be cranked up to high. What's he going to do when it snows?) 

Y'all. The kind of thinking I've described in the three lessons above takes a lot of time. And it takes a lot of analysis and understanding. And, it takes a fundamental pedagogical shift away from a lot of the scripted crap teachers are supposed to love because they won't have to plan lessons - or that they are provided because people think the field is too stupid and unprepared to really teach. Grrrrr. 

I wanna come try out these lessons. I wanna see what kids do. But I'd really love to see what a teacher could do with what I've written...I want to see the kind of impact you'd have on your kids and their writing and engagement in school with this type of approach. I dare you. Then we will celebrate positive impact together.