Here is the planning:
3-5 Paragraphs
7-13 Sentences
1 - Intro, stand: you dont have to be old to be mature
2 - 1st reason - hard times
3 - 2nd reason - how you were raised
4 - 3rd reason - optional
5 - conclusion
Here is the student's essay:
It is not nessacary to have lived a certian number of years to be considered mature. In my oppinion it's not the number of years you've lived, but how many ordeals life has put you through.
Maturity is dependent on the hard times you go through in a day, not how many days you've been around. It doesn't matter if youre fifteen or thirty age is for the body, not the mind. I feel if you have been through a divorce or a death of a parent, with also having siblings younger than you, makes you grow up really fast. It's sad that sixteen year old kids are having to get jobs, not for themselves, but to help pay for their parents descisions. It sickens me! I am on of those kids, and when my parents were my age, I was born. I think I'm a little more mature than they were.
Yes I was raised probably a little differently. I grew up in a farm, ranch, and rodeo family, if someone ever needed help I was right there. If thats not mature I don't know what is! Studies have shown that "country folk mature in a different way." like I did. I'm not old, but I would say I am very mature.
Age doesn't matter when it comes to maturity. The way you were raised, and how life treats you is maturity in my mind.
First, I chose his best developed paragraph. Then, I applied Christensen's model to his paper in a backward outline and labeled the function of each of his sentences. Pointing out the function and "level" of description with the tabs helps the student see the elaboration, description, and depth.
Topic Sentence: Hard times vs days alive
analogy: 15:30:: mind:body
examples: divorce, death, siblings
emotion/example: sad; job at 16 to pay for parent mistakes
emotion: sickens
personal anecdote: self compared to parents having a kid at his age
restatement: I am more mature
Next, I wanted a visual metaphor for peeling back the layers of what was behind those broad statements and how he could add depth and detail.
As we peeled back the layers, I wrote questions that could prompt the writer about how he could add further depth to what he had written.
The pictures didn't turn out too well. Neither did the visual metaphor. The strips were too small and confusing. But...I do think that labeling what the sentences are doing and what actions can be taken to elaborate is a good idea. I typed out the feedback we could give students using bold font to label/name/annotate how the student's sentences were functioning. I used blue font to show what the student had written already. I used the green font to show what the student could do to elaborate and extend.
Level One: Topic Sentence: Hard times vs days alive
Analogy: 15:30:: mind:body
How is that true?
Why is that true?
Level Two: Examples in a list: divorce, death, siblings (each is a scenario that can be developed
separately or together)
Scenario: Divorce
Actions/Feelings: What actions and feelings do kids of divorce take on that make
mature before their age?
Scenario: Death:
Actions/Feelings/Responsibilities: What actions, feelings, and responsibilities do
kids who have experienced death have to take on that make them
mature beyond their years?
Scenario: Siblings:
Contrast: What actions, feelings, and responsibilities do kids who have
siblings take on that make them more mature than others who do not have siblings?
Level Two: Example/Emotion: sad: 16 yr olds getting jobs; pay for parent mistakes.
Explanation: How does a 16 year old getting a job pay for their parent's mistakes? Which
mistakes are you referring to? Why is it sad that a 16 year old should get a job?
Level Three: Emotional Response: sickens
Elaborate: How does it sicken you? Why? Unfairness of it all?
Level Three: Personal Example: I am one of those kids.
Level Four: Comparison: self compared to parents at this age
Explicit Connection: Some readers will be able to make the inference here, but some
may not. You may need to spell out that you have more physical self control in
relationships or that you are responsible in choices for birth control.
Level Four: Restatement: I am more mature.
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