Create a Model of a Successful Performance

Students need to know what it is that we wish them to accomplish. Sometimes, this means composing a draft before class, writing with them in class, or modeling a process in front of them.

Below is the paper I composed to model how syntax can help communicate the author's purpose and meaning. The revision is in yellow.

Link to Rough Draft Original
Link to the Lesson Sequence  - 4 -6 days of reading and writing instruction

Quicklist:

1. Kathryn and the green rags
2. The time I cussed, self control
3. hooky/church, dread/stop

Theme: What does this anecdote communicate about what I think is important?

Peace is important to me.
Relationships are important to me.


I'm not sure what started it. Doesn't matter. The essence of it was this: two naked, wet and spitting angry 8 year olds slipped and sloshed in the bathtub, smacking and slapping each other with wet washrags. Kathryn, my sister, could roll up the thin cotton terrycloth and snap it against my skin. On the other hand, I only managed a full flat flop of the rag against her back or arm.  Snap! Pop! Sharp shocks! Loud cracks! Her rag was a whip while mine was a soggy saturated wet lasagna noodle flying limp against her arm and sliding harmlessly away. Like a boxer, jab and sting, she peppered my body with red, bloody whelps. Not landing any significant returns, I just became more frustrated. About the time I decided to rush her and slam her to the tile floor, mom slammed open the door. "What. is. going. on!?"

My parents banned me from my best friend. Imprisoned me in solitary confinement. Alone. Bored. Separate. The long summer days waking to take the change from the mason jar, pedaling barefoot to Toot-n-Totum for a Big Gulp and Zero bar before heading to Southwest pool until dusk, finishing with stories and laughter until mom and dad threatened for the last time for us to go to sleep...all gone.

Devastatingly empty. Not worth it. 

When the wardens finally let us out for PT, we made a pact in the corner of the garden. Pinky Promises of blood sisters: We. Will. Never. Fight. Again.

I'm 49. And we haven't. 

Students took markers and underlined every other sentence to examine their own sentence lengths. Then they chose a place in their writing where they thought playing with sentence length might help communicate their message better.

Finally, we had small group sharing of their revisions and discussed this question: Look back at your theme: How did that revision help you communicate your meaning more clearly? I explained that by adding the short sentences with onomotopoeia, I hoped to help the reader feel the sting. It also helped me make a big contrast with the ineffective sloppy way I was hitting. Exploring the contrast helped me emphasize the break in our relationship that needed to be repaired.

And if you haven't read it before, here's what a student writer composed.